well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
