Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
