I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
