News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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