I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
