Pregnant stripper...not hot.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
its liver damage thursday
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
