i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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