I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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