I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
