I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
