I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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