I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
and she was petting her beer can
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
