some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
