Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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