can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
