I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I can't put those talents on a resume
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
