I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
