A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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