Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
