she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
