my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
