i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
So many bounce houses so little time
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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