remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
