What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
