We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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