dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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