she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
