Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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