cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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