I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
