im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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