my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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