I wanna passion pit in your ass
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
