if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
