I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
