Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I'm having to shit out rocks
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
