The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
