Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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