im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
