what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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