Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
