i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize