He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
