She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
