Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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