Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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