fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
