dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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