Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
We had sex on a dog bed..
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
