i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
