I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
