She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
