we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
