i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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