nut hugger
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
