I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
