he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
