drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
