Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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